I guess I have this mental image of a business owner who is attempting to break into youth marketing. He’s an overweight, middle-aged and rosacea-nosed man who has a passion for thumbing through yachting magazines as he rolls a rocks glass in his button-tufted leather office chair. Then he kicks up his Italian loafers and lets out a sigh. That instant, an apprehensive secretary tiptoes into his office.

“Uh, sir, our youth campaign hasn’t worked … we still haven’t figured out how to cater our message to kids.”

The owner looks up, beet red, and throws his single malt against the wall.

“I just don’t get it! What do they want from me? Those damn meddling kids!” he says, exasperated.

Disregard the fact that my vision of a business owner talks like a Scooby Doo villain. Just like my unfair characterization, the overly-broad term of “youth” is oft-misunderstood. We – and I’ll speak collectively here – are usually seen as cynical and too fickle for our own good. We’re painted as transient and absent-minded.

But I see it differently: We don’t put up with BS, so don’t BS us. There was only one man who had that privilege, and he had a jet black beard and is now Oxi-Cleaning in heaven with angels.

Don’t take it from me; there was once a Philadelphian prince that said “Parents just don’t understand.” Wise words, indeed.

All is not lost, however. There are some simple rules that can be employed to grasp the unwavering id of the youth psyche. Firstly, and most importantly, is to make your message relevant. Ask yourself “Will people really like this, or is this just what I think I’m supposed to be doing?” For a marketing fundamental, I find it remarkable how often this question is overlooked.

Advertising Age recently ran an article about Budweiser and its ineffective Bud Lite “Drinkability” campaign. It turns out nobody understands exactly what “drinkability” means or really cares. People just want to know if Bud Lite has beer in it.

Listen, I go to college. I am satisfied with drinking anything 4.2% alcohol or above, potable or not. Plus I drink Bud Lite, which I’m pretty sure is bottled farm runoff anyway. It’s also pretty disingenuous to call anything drinkable you can buy in a 30-pack.

They lost sight of their relevancy and have now paid the price for it. So shame on you, Budweiser. I’m going back to exclusively drinking bathtub wine.

Once you’ve captured a relevant message it must be sold appropriately. And for us that means something delivered quickly that is amusing or clever. It’s like a first date: If we’re interested we’ll call you, don’t call us. And don’t start talking about marriage, you creep.

The pendulum usually swings too far one way or the other for many businesses trying to break through to youth. Either a company appears to be run by PR-Bot 5000 or Chaz, a backwards-hat-wearing skate punk that is so totally XTREME.

PR-Bot 5000 inundates you with reams of dot matrix printer paper on the purposes and intentions of its stellar product; Chaz thinks your friends are going to find you so rad to the bone, dawg. Either way, everyone involved loses.   

We don’t mind being smartly advertised to (PR-Bot, looking at you here) but hate to sift through layers of crap to know if we should be interested (that’s you, Chaz).

These personality types show themselves most in social media, with baffling Twitter accounts or mind-numbingly awful blogs. Rarely do we find a sensible middle ground.

Social media isn’t a panacea for your ailing youth demo. It’s only good in capable hands that actually understand what it is and why it exists. If you find yourself saying “I need to get one of these! I hear it’s popular with the kids,” then actually get one of those, yourself. Try it. Use it. And understand that it’s more than just having a Twitter; It’s a movement – a new way of intrapersonal communication that is most certainly not a fad.

It’s also important to understand absurdist is our language. Don’t be afraid to be a little out there. Start wearing your shoes on your hands if you have to, but understand we don’t take life as seriously as your bottom line.

Sometimes businesses fall into the trap of thinking of themselves like a museum artifact: fragile and precious and begging for respect. The truth is, we show allegiance to few. Being conservative will get you nowhere.

When Crispen Porter + Bogusky went bizarre with Microsoft and their Jerry Seinfeld and Bill Gates ads, people guffawed. But what has been crafted over time is that Microsoft, a dark, Dr. Claw like overlord in computing, is capable of poking fun at itself. CP+B was able to soften Microsoft up enough to deliver relevant ads with their long-running “I’m a PC” Joe Computer Shopper spots. The message could be delivered because they sold it properly from the offset.

Once your message is neatly tailored and sold appropriately, your product will eventually be out wandering the lurid, neon-trimmed world of the Internet and beyond. When this happens you have to be intently listening and willing to take a great deal criticism. You also have to be open to engage your customers when they’re coming at you with improper punctuation and combinations of swear words you didn’t think were possible. Yes, be prepared to be called a “buttass”.

We start learning about a product by figuring out what’s wrong with it. Nothing is too good to be true, and we’ll figure out the catch through message boards, reviews and other miscellanea. Being candid about what the shortcomings of your product are and leveling with us will get you a great deal of goodwill.

The purpose of social media and being forthright is to humanize while still conveying your product benefits. We don’t like to be sold to by a faceless organization. We like to have input. We want to feel like someone is listening.

We’re needy, okay? Just hold us.

Gone are the days of youth lapping up any PR spewed forth by a business. Thankfully, you are capable of change. You are a human being, and therefore can inject a human element into your message and brand. All it takes is thinking critically and envisioning your product not as numbers, but a brand that has emotional connections. It’s kind of like the opposite of the Matrix. And without the kung fu.

Don’t worry, being human is a cinch. It just takes a little bit of talking yourself through. And if it’s any consolation, I believe in you.

Ready for a go? Maybe start by telling us where you got those Italian loafers, you handsome devil, you.

- Robert Lombardi is an eternally young and eternally charming creative intern at Mission Creative in Dubuque, Iowa.